Time, wondrous time

A note on wanting to pause time

We are constantly told to make the most of the time we have. It is one of the most cliche things adults will say to us when we’re young. Life feels infinite when you’re a teenager, and even into your twenties too, but I’ve recently started to notice just how quickly my life is going by. I remember being 16 and thinking I had all the time in the world but suddenly I blinked and I was approaching my 31st birthday, the days of hanging out in Stephen’s Green and obsessing over Skins now a distant memory.

Life feels like it’s going by a little too quickly. I feel like I’m desperately trying to grasp onto it but before I know it another month has gone by and now we’re almost at the end of summer. Maybe it’s a thirties thing and the lingering worry about biological clocks and ageing parents making me more aware of how short life really is, but that realisation is something that has helped me look at my life differently.

As much as I’d like to pause time, it’s the one superpower I’d want to have, I’ve realised that the next best thing is to simply use the time we have to our advantage. I’m so aware of each passing year, but the evidence of them feels stronger now. Those years now show up in my Dad’s discussions about retiring, or jokes about my Mam getting her bus pass soon, or the grey hairs now appearing on my head. I’m reminded of the sheer speed of time when my cousin mentions her daughter is going to school in September, even though it feels like she was just born yesterday. Or when one of my oldest friends buys a home of her own even though it felt like we were watching Hairspray in her childhood home just the other day.

I am so scared of running out of time with the people I love. We’ll never have as much time as we want with those we love, whether that’s your granddad, your childhood friends, or your parents. I’m all too aware of the ticking clock in the background, but as heartbreaking and limiting as this life is, you do get to a certain stage when you realise just how important it is to use your time wisely. Your perspective shifts and you realise that there isn’t an unlimited supply of seconds, minutes, hours and days.

We’ll eventually run out of them as time is the one thing we can’t control. As scary as it is to think this way, it has helped me see that spending my time with the people who make me feel like I matter is so crucial. Whether it’s a 20 minute visit to my grandparent’s house, a weekend away to see my best friend in London, or a two day trip to spend time with my family in Clonakilty, I’ve realised that I have to spend this time well. I have to make the most of it because it’s such a privilege to have all of this time and so many people to spend it with. This realisation has not only made me appreciate the time I have, but it has also made me look at the little moments differently.

It’s given me a deeper appreciation for the mornings I spend chatting to my dad in the kitchen about music or the few minutes I spend helping my mam pick an outfit before she goes out with her best friend. It’s the four minute voice note my friend sends me that makes me cry with laughter or the hugs shared with former co-workers and now dearest friends after an evening spent catching up. It’s laughing with my sister on the train to Cork and pottering around book shops with friends that feel like kindred spirits.

Every extra moment I get to spend with my Mam after nearly losing her feels richer. The constant memories I continuously get to make with my sisters feel like magic, knowing we’ve been storing memories together for all our lives . The moments I see my dad look genuinely happy and content make this life feel fuller.

And then, the myriad of memories, of days out, of fulfilling moments I get to spend with my friends never fail to make me realise just how lucky I am to spend this time with people who make life feel worthy again.

There is still so much to look forward to. So many years of birthdays, weddings, holidays and Christmases, but also years of quick walks to coffee shops, catch ups over glasses of wine, lazy strolls to the pub on a Sunday evening and quiet drives to the park. It may feel like I’m running out of time, and part of me wishes it felt like I had an infinite supply like I did when I was a teenager, but being aware of how precious time is will help me make the most of every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year.

Kat